Sketches - The Golfer

Use any time. This sketch explores the truth that salvation is through Christ alone and there is nothing we can do but accept what he has done for us.

Hubert Hardcash is a youngish very rich golfer who wants to join a certain highly exclusive golf club. What follows are his attempts to get in.

Notes

This sketch requires just two people:

Hubert Hardcash, the young arrogant golfer, confident in his own abilities.
The man who works at the golf club and 'handles' Hubert's application to join.
The sketch is set in the entrance lobby or bar area of the club.

Preparation

Hubert needs something to indicate golf, perhaps a cap, jersey and if possible a golf club, or set. He will also need a cheque book and pen.
The man needs a glass and some drinks. The drink is spurted out, so you might need a towel. The man also needs a booklet.

Hubert	Good morning my man, Hardcash is the name, Hubert Hardcash. I hope its alright to leave my Roller parked in the front, only I want to join the club do you see, how much is it (gets out cheque book).
Man	Well, it is rather expensive sir.
Hubert	Don't you worry about that, you see, I'm very rich, oh yes, I'm filthy, rotten, dirty, stinking, horribly rich - how much is it exactly?
Man	Its, err 100...
Hubert	a 100, small change for me...
Man	1000...
Hubert	oh 100,000, still no problem for me what!
Man	1,000,000.
Hubert	I beg your pardon? 100,000,000,000 (hundred thousand million), is this some kind of joke?
Man	No sir, that is the joining fee.
Hubert	Well, [flabbergasted] what about all those people in the club room through there. I bet they didn't all pay 100,000,000,000 to join did they?
Man	Err, no sir, they were all recommended you see sir.
Hubert	Recommended, recommended! But I have 3 Rolls Royce's, do you understand, 3! I have a villa in the south of France, and even a small Island in the Caribbean! I don't need to be recommended - I recommend myself.
Man	I'm very sorry sir; I don't make the rules...
Hubert:	It's a disgrace I tell you.
Man:	Well, there is another way to join.
Hubert	Oh really, well I'm jolly glad to hear it.
Man	Have you got any of your own golfing score cards with you?
Hubert	Well, as a matter of fact I have (hands over cards). I think you'll be pretty impressed - could have played professionally you know, but too busy making pots of money.
Man	Errm, arrrgh, oooh dear...
Hubert	I say, what you do mean by that, that's a jolly impressive record that. I bet I can beat any of your members with one arm tied behind my back.
Man	Maybe you can sir, but look, you see, you've missed shots all over the place. Only got 3 holes in one on this card, just 2 on this card, oh dear.
Hubert	What do you mean, only got 3 holes in one?
Man	Well, you fell short on the other 15 holes sir.
Hubert	You're having me on aren't you...
Man	No sir...
Hubert	yes you are, you're taking the Michael - that's a brilliant record.
Man	Its is a very good record sir, but you see the club rules for joining by skill say you must not miss.
Hubert:	What, not ever?
Man	Never.
Hubert	But that's impossible.
Man	I don't make the rules sir.
Hubert	Well, I bet those people in the lounge weren't perfect players.
Man	Oh no sir, but you see, they were recommended you see sir.
Hubert	Well, you're really getting my goat do you know that!
Man	I'm sorry sir. There is just one more way to join.
Hubert	Oh yes, and what's that?
Man	Be recommended.
Hubert	That's right. A charity donation here, a back hander there, soon be in you'll see. Now, whom can I approach?
Man	Well that could be a bit difficult you see sir?
Hubert	What do you mean difficult?
Man	Well, there's only one person that can recommend you.
Hubert	Only one person, who's that?
Man	Mr. Joshua, our founder.
Hubert	Mr. Joshua, I think I've heard of him, isn't he dead?
Man	That's right sir - he was murdered.
Hubert	You're doing it again aren't you? This is just one big practical joke isn't it?
Man	No sir, really, but, you know...
Hubert	I know... you don't make the stupid rules. But do you mind telling me just exactly how all those members in the clubroom got in?
Man	Well, you see sir, Mr. Joshua, he had a booklet. If you follow the steps in the booklet - then you're recommended.
Hubert	Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? Where is this booklet?
Man	I've got a copy here [gets out booklet].
Hubert	I say, get me a drink would you, or does that cost £100,000,000,000 too?
Man	No sir. What would you like, got some very nice fizzy water here, fancy some of that?
Hubert	I don't know, what's it called?
Man	Err, Living Water - bottled at source.
Hubert	Oh, no, I don't think so, fix me a gin - and be a good chap and take me through this booklet.
Man	Right oh [pours gin, hands to Hubert].
Hubert	[drinks), and holds small mouthful].
Man	Rule number 1. You must consider other club members better than yourself.
Hubert	[spurts out mouthful]. I beg your pardon. Consider others better than myself - are you mad?
Man	You don't want to join then sir?
Hubert	Oh, (mumble, mumble), all right then, maybe I could try and do that - sometimes, occasionally. What's next?
Man	Rule number 2. Respect and honour our founder, Mr. Joshua. He never missed a shot you know.
Hubert	Never missed a shot, what rubbish!
Man	Well, that's it sir.
Hubert	That's it, that's it! Those rules have nothing to do with Golf.
Man	I must disagree with you there sir.
Hubert	Absolute twaddle! I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm off to that other golf course on the other side of town, they are much more reasonable, and perhaps they will appreciate just how good I am. Goodbye.
Man	Goodbye to you sir, and I'm sure they'll let you join.

*** End ***