Sketches - Insurance Claim

See Mark 5:1-20.

This is about what happens after the main story. The pig farmer goes to his insurance broker to claim for the loss of his 2000 pigs. Though the story may be known to most people it should not be announced but allowed to dawn on them as the sketch progresses.

Notes

There are only 2 characters, the claim handler (CH) and the pig farmer (PF), who, naturally, is rural, and a bit strange. It is supposed to be set in a small regional office. The farmer enters and is greeted by the Claim handler who is seated at a desk with a (working preferably) telephone (a mobile phone could be used to emulate the real phone ringing near the end of the sketch).

Preparation

One table with a telephone and some papers which represent the claim form. The farmer might wear green coat and a flat cap.

CH	Good morning sir, can I help you.
PF	Yes, yes please, I, I'd like to make a claim.
CH	Alright sir, please take a seat and I'll just get the correct form.
PF	I'm a farmer you see, and I needs to get this sorted out.
CH	I see, so it would be an agricultural claim (she gets the right form). Here we are. Now can I take you name.
PF	Giles, Mr. Giles.
CH	Okay, and what is the nature of your claim.
PF	[Harshly] Swine!
CH	I beg your pardon? Oh, you've been burgled?
PF	Animials!
CH	You've been mugged? [pauses]. Oh, I see, pigs?
PF	Yes, pigs, that's right. I likes pigs, you know where you are with a pig ...
CH	In a pig sty?
PF	Pardon?
CH	Nothing, okay, so can I ...
PF	[Interrupting] I mean, a cat ..
CH	A cat?
PF	A cat looks down on a man, don't he.
CH	Well, I suppose ...
PF	And a dog, well, he looks up to a man don't he.
CH	Really?
PF	But a pig, he knows his equal [chuckles to himself].
CH	[slowly, scary] Okaaayy.
PF	I quite like that.
CH	Very good. Now, Mr. Giles, can I ask you how many pigs you lost [looks at form], err, was it 1 pig, between 2 and 10 pigs, or more than 10 pigs.
PF	Err, more than 10 pigs.
CH	Okay, and exactly how many pigs?
PF	2000.
CH	2, ... [alarmed] 2000 pigs! That's a lot of pigs Mr. Giles, we shall have to send our assessor round to examine the situation.
PF	Well, alright, but, err, can he swim?
CH	Can he swim! What do you mean, can he swim? Would it help?
PF	Might do.
CH	What on earth happened to your pigs Mr. Giles?
PF	Well, they were just grazing on the hillside, just like any other day, when, all of a sudden, they looked up, grunted together like, then ran down the hill into the lake and were drowned.
CH	Goodness me, that must have been quite a shock.
PF	T'was a shock, I can tell you. [pause] The fishermen were quite shocked an' all. [pause] And class 3B on their geography field trip on the shore, looking for fossils ... that teacher's still off sick you know.
CH	I'm not surprised.
PF	I mean if it's a lovely warm day, the sun is shining and a gentle cool breeze is blowing onto the shore, your class is having fun looking around for fossils and shells on the beach, then 2000 thousand grunting pigs rush by, I mean it's bound to give anyone the heaby-jeabies in'it.
CH	Ummm. it's lucky no one was hurt.
PF	Lucky, that's more than lucky. [reference to current insurance advert].
CH	What on earth possesed them to run down the hill in the first place?
PF	Demons.
CH	Demons? What do you mean demons? Where did demons come from?
PF	The nutter.
CH	What do you mean, the nutter, what are you talking about.
PF	You know, the nutter what lives, or I should say, lived, in the graveyard. You know, he shouts a lot, and cuts himself, a proper head case.
CH	Oh, yes, I've heard about him. Didn't they try and lock him up once, but he beat everyone up and then ran off.
PF	That's him, a right nutter, he used to be.
CH	What do you mean, used to be?
PF	Cured now, in his right mind, as you say. Right as rain, as sane as you or I. Only all my pigs is gone int they.
CH	Really, what happened?
PF	It was that bloke, that preacher.
CH	Bloke, what bloke.
PF	Jesus of err ...Nazareth, that's it, you must have heard about him!
CH	Oh, him yes. We've had several [clearly] loss of earnings claims from people because of him.
PF	Oh yes?
CH	Well, I shouldn't really say (looks around), a certain baker claims that he sold 2 loaves to a young lad, who gave them to this Jesus. Next thing, Jesus is catering for thousands.
PF	That's not on is it.
CH	And there was this wedding where they ran out of wine.
PF	Oh dear.
CH	Apparently instead of just ordering some more from the local wine store, Jesus just turned some water into wine.
PF	Shocking, but I bet it wasn't as good as the real thing.
CH	Well. I hate to say it but, they say it was better, in fact, the best.
PF	Really.
CH	So, in a way, I suppose we have to ask ourselves, which is more important, a man's life, or 2000 pigs.
PF	Err 2 ...
CH	[interrupting, insistant] A man's life!
PF	A man's life, yes, definitely.
CH	Well, I can complete the paper work now, and we'll be in touch soon.
PF	[Gets up to leave] Righty ho. Thanks very much. [he leaves]. I'll wait to hear from you then. Good bye.
CH	Goodbye Mr Giles. [Fills in form for a few seconds. phone rings, CH answers.] Hello, yes, this is the insurance office. A loss of earning claim. [few seconds pause]. Oh yes, we know all about him, we'll send someone round right away. And your name is [pause], Mr. Black the undertaker. Yes, thank you Mr Black, goodbye.
	THE END.